Peppered Hearts

The floors groan. I hear rattling in the walls. The cupboards shake. Thuds resound.

I am 76.182% convinced my house is haunted. And to find out, I googled: “How to tell if your house is haunted”. Because Google totally responds to questions.

This is what Google said.

According to source number one, there are 16 ways to tell if your house is haunted. The ones in bold are the ones that support my idea that my house is haunted. They are followed by commentary.

“1.    Unexplained noises (like the groaning of the walls! only it might just be the air conditioning)
2.    Doors, cabinets and cupboards opening and closing (except it’s probably the wind…)
3.    Lights turning off and on (but that’s because of our security system)
4.    Items disappearing and reappearing
5.    Unexplained shadows
6.    Strange animal behavior
7.    Feelings of being watched
8.    Mild psychokinetic phenomena
9.    Feelings of being touched
10.    Cries and whispers
11.    Cold or hot spots
12.    Unexplained smells
13.    Moving or levitating objects (severe psychokinetic phenomena)
14.    Physical assault
15.    Other physical evidence
16.    Apparitions”

Yeah. So that’s 3 out of 16. That means there’s a 18.75% chance of my house being haunted.

Let’s see what source number two has to say on the subject.

“Investigate to see if anything seems out of the ordinary.

• Listen for any other voices or noises if you are home alone. You will most likely hear these sounds in the distance. Some sounds you might hear in a haunted house would be footsteps, knocks, banging, rapping, scratching sounds, or sounds of something being dropped. These noises can range from being very quiet to extremely loud.
• Check to see if you ever find doors opened or closed when you are certain the door wasn’t positioned like that before. Also, look for electrical items turning on and off unexpectedly. You will probably not witness this type of phenomena taking place.”

Okay so hold up one sec. They’re saying that I’m supposed to look for this stuff but I won’t see it? What? I’m confused. Maybe source number three will clear it up.

So this source basically tells us the same stuff. Cold spots… watch the kids to make sure they haven’t developed any invisible BFFs… check the windows and stuff. All typical ghost hunting stuff. The glory of this site is in the related links at the bottom.

Is it just me or does the title of the second article sound a lot like a Harry Potter school book?

Aw does this mean that poor Robert Pattinson can’t leave his home without showering anymore? The rarely washed hair just doesn’t seem to sparkle anymore.

This is a plesiosaur.

(Via the Global Lake Monster Database… which exists, unlike this guy.)

I’m supposed to believe that my house might be haunted based on evidence by guys who believe that this is the Monster of Lake Muskrat?

Or this dude.

The thing that looks like a duck in the picture is the Monster of Rock Lake.

“The monster is described as alligator-like – similar to a nothosaur.”

Because it can’t just be a damn alligator?