Edward Cullen Creeps Me Out.

Today I was perusing Got To Be Kidding Me and I stumbled upon this post about Twilight. See, I started reading it last year in art class. My friend M was like a personal library for me because of her love of spending tons of money on books. We had similar taste in books and when I saw her engulfed in Twilight, I had to know what it was about.

“Vampires,” she told me.

“What the hell?” I stared at her. M was the “popular” girl in my class, if you could really assign that role to someone when there were only ten girls. Her taste in books hadn’t included any bloodsucking creatures.

“Trust me, you’ll love it.”

She gave me it the next day. I didn’t put it down. I read it during lunch. That’s right, I was that lame. Luckily for me, my class was equally lame and no one said anything. In retrospect, my friends were pretty great.

Anyway, I finished Twilight and wanted to launch in to New Moon. The only problem was that M hadn’t finished it yet. And she couldn’t put it down either. So I drove to the store and bought the box set. I needed to have them. I craved them, in a less creepy Edward Cullen lusting for Bella’s blood way.

I read the whole series. Actually, I devoured them. I finished all three books in four days. The fourth hadn’t come out yet but I read that in one sitting.

Then the Facebook phenomenon happened and all these little girls started posting about how they really want Edward Cullen to be their boyfriend and like OMG he’s so great!!!!111!!! I want to have his sparkly babies!!!! Even M preferred Edward to Jacob.

I think I may be the only person in the world who doesn’t lust for Edward. And it’s not just because I think Robert Pattinson sucks just a little bit. I used to think he was horrible but his GQ interview had some redeeming qualities.

These are the reasons why I am creeped out by Edward Cullen and why Twilight (even though I do like it) kind of sucks.

1. Edward was a complete jackass on Bella’s first day of school. Sure it’s all because he desires her blood and the only reason why he doesn’t just jump up and suck her dry is because of all the witnesses. He has to be all hero-ish and suffer in anguished silence.
2. He’s pretty much bipolar. The guy refuses to talk to her one day and he’s madly in love with her the next.
3. He wants to kill her. That’s his first impulse. To kill Bella. Can I re-emphasize this for a minute? Edward Cullen wants to kill Bella. Sure, he doesn’t do it because he loves her but if someone’s first thought is about how good my blood would taste, I don’t think I really want to be dating him. Or be his lab partner. Or be in the same town as he is. Or state. Or country. I’d get the hell out of there.
4. Bella completely loses her shit around him. I understand he’s like this gorgeous guy. I know, I do stupid stuff around hot guys all the time. She can’t focus on anything around him. Look, I get that Stephenie Meyer is trying to convey how absolutely in love Bella is but it just pisses me off.
5. Bella’s entire thought process on figuring out he’s a vampire sucks. Ooh you hate the sun. And you’re cold. Everyone hates you. Let me do a quick Google search, listen to some Native American story, and quickly deduce that you’re one of the undead. And I’m right!
6. Did anyone else notice how the Native Americans were portrayed during that whole storytelling scene? They were dancing around a fire in old-fashioned costumes. Now from what I can figure out, this whole scene is taking place around the 1930′s. I’m pretty sure the Native Americans didn’t prance around dressed like that in the 1930′s. It seems really strange. Of course I could be completely wrong about the time period and outfits and if I am, please let me know.
7. Bella’s a bitch. There, I said it. I know it’s probably not a very popular point of view but it needs stating. Bella is a bitch. She gets angry because people are nice to her on her first day of school. She hates being asked to dances. She doesn’t want Jessica and Angela to be her friends. And when she does finally get with Edward, she ignores her quasi-friends.
8. Poor Jacob. Out of all the characters in Twilight, he’s my favorite. Spoiler alert. Do not read this part. Skip to 9. Do not read if you haven’t read New Moon!!! When Bella was with Jacob in the 2nd book, I was rejoicing. He was so normal, at least by comparison. He didn’t want to kill her.  They had fun together. She wasn’t stressed out by having her blood sucked out. Then good old Edward comes back and it’s like oohh look at that pretty shiny skin. He’s so worth almost dying for and becoming depressed when he left me, which he did because he LOVES me, duh.
9. Bella is completely okay with the idea of becoming a vampire and giving up her life as a human but she’s aghast at what people might think if she marries Edward at 19. She doesn’t mind ignoring her family forever but God forbid he put a ring on that finger before she’s old.
10. And now, the absolute and final reason why I’m creeped out by Edward Cullen and the little girls who love him and want boyfriends like him. EDWARD STALKED BELLA. He was a stalker. He watched her while she slept. He was IN HER ROOM WITHOUT HER KNOWING IT. I apologize for the caps and the bold but I mean really. The guy was a creeper. He watched her while she slept. He followed her to a different city. He read the thoughts of the people around her so he could try and figure her mind out. He watched her while she slept and she had no clue he was there. She was okay with this. This is completely unhealthy. It is NOT okay for someone to sit in your room and watch you sleep without your consent, no matter how cute and romantic you think it is. It’s scary.

I don’t know about ya’ll but I don’t want a guy sitting in my room, watching me sleep all night long, if I don’t know he’s there. And even if I do know, I still wouldn’t want to be watched all night long. Besides, what would be the point? No one is interesting enough to watch all night. Not even Bella Swan.

And all of this was written without even mentioning the fact that Stephenie Meyer had vampirism and bloodsucking as symbols of sex. Yep. The whole Twilight saga is pretty much an elaborate sex dream. That’s why they break beds once they’re together. ‘Cos passion AFTER marriage is THAT strong.

Oh and I really do like the books. Or I did before I sat down and thought about all of this. Maybe I just need to reread them.

How scary is this picture?

(Image from here)