Motherchucking Basshole

Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows. Mostly because it’s outrageous and so unrealistic. I love it. I started watching it when I moved to NYC and my former roommate, B, told me she watched it because she thought I watched it and wanted to be able to watch it with me. When we realized we’d never really watched it before, we started watching it together and fell in love with the show. What’s not to love if everybody screws everybody? I mean, really. It’s fan-fucking-tastic.

There are three guys that the show centers around. Chuck Bass, Dan Humphrey, and Nate Archibald.

Chuck is the asshole. Or, as Blair so eloquently put it, the Basshole. Just like Edward Cullen, most girls want to be with him. However, just like Edward Cullen, I don’t. And because I’ve decided that lists are my best friends, here’s why.

1. He’s an attempted rapist. He tried to rape Jenny. If that’s not creepy, I don’t know what is.

   

2. He tried to seduce Serena, who ends up being his step-sister. He practically rapes her too.
3. He slept with his best friend Nate’s girlfriend. Or ex-girlfriend. Or whatever the hell Blair was when they had sex in a limo.
4. Chuck cannot decide whether or not he likes Blair. Once he decides he does indeed fancy the everloving shit out of her, he can’t decide whether or not he can be the brave one and tell her he loves her first. Supposedly it means he’s no longer a man or something if he says he loves her.
5. Okay, this one isn’t about only Chuck but more about the show in general. Want to know what happened the first few episodes of Season 2? Blair and Chuck attempt to run off to Europe together only Chuck doesn’t come so Blair seduces some random guy who says he’s going to Princeton. Chuck spends the summer in the Hamptons and has wild animal sex with mystery girls. Then, Blair shows up and Chuck decides he’s jealous so he gets a private investigator to look in to Blair’s new boyfriend’s past. Turns out the boyfriend isn’t just a guy. He’s a Count. All of this is happening while Nate is hooking up with some mysterious older woman and still loving on Vanessa, Dan Humphrey’s best friend who used to have a crush on him. The older woman turns out to be the Count’s step-mother, the Countess. The Count and the Countess are having a torrid affair. Then, while that’s still going on, Dan and Serena are breaking up right and left. And after Nate’s done with the Countess, he can’t decide whether his heart goes pitter-patter for Vanessa or Jenny. Oh and Dan and Serena’s parents, Rufus and Lily, are in love. And have a son together. Therefore, Dan and Serena, a couple, share a sibling. Kinky. But Lily married Chuck’s father. So Serena and Chuck are step-siblings. And Blair’s mother gets married and Blair’s new step-brother, Aaron, is Serena’s boyfriend. Incestuous much?
6. Chuck’s dad dies and leaves him the company. Only his uncle is also a basshole and tries to steal it from him by providing hookers because there’s some clause in the will that if Chuck acts like an idiot, the board of directors can vote him off. So they do. Mostly because Chuck couldn’t keep it in his pants.
7. He’s a womanizer. He sleeps with every pretty girl in sight. God, even for the adverts every time they showed Chuck they played Britney Spear’s “Womanizer”. Really girls? You want to be with someone whose theme song is about having sex with random women?
8. This one isn’t directed at Chuck but at Jenny Humphrey. What the hell did they do to you, Taylor Momsen? Do the makeup artists have some personal vendetta against you? Because whatever you did, honey, apologize. Tell them you’re sorry. Beg them to please please please stop putting raccoon eyes on you. You’re a pretty girl. You’re like three years younger than me and stunning. So why do you think this looks good?



9. This is another not-related-to-Chuck reason. Why the hell didn’t Blair Waldorf get in to Yale? I understand that crap about how she screwed with the teacher, who Dan screwed for real, but Blair Waldorf, the assumed valedictorian of her school, would definitely get in to Yale. And it’s great that she got in to NYU and Nate wants to show her how to use the subway but I have a problem with the train he chose to use.

   Well if Blair is studying at NYU in the Village, she can take the 1 from NYU to Columbia. Because the way it was portrayed on the show, Blair would be taking the NRQW and transferring to the 1, presumably at 42nd Street. If you’re trying to teach a girl how to take a train, wouldn’t you aim for the trip with the least amount of transfers? And I know you can get to Columbia on the 1 because I’ve taken it. And why does he decide to get an apartment in Murray Hill? Why wouldn’t he get one in Hell’s Kitchen or Chelsea? Or they could even get one Midtown and just aim to be near the 1. That’s all they need. The 1.
   
   Sorry, I just noticed my NYU arrow is off. But it’s still in the general vicinity and my point is still valid. Blair doesn’t mind walking. Tell her to walk her ass to the 1 if she wants to visit Nate.

10. Chuck has far too many daddy/mommy issues. Every single thing Chuck does can be traced back to the fact that his parents sucked. And while it’s not fair that he had such terrible parents but Chuck’s rich. Why doesn’t he hire a therapist? Hire one and get over it all, Bass. Stop trying to sleep with your best friend’s girl. Stop trying to rape girls. Stop having hours of sex. Get help. Kthnx.

Enjoy Gossip Girl tonight. It’ll probably be fabulous.