Lykeee Srlsy, U Shldnt B On Twitter. Evr.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to twitter. Wait. Can “twitter” be used as a verb? Because I think it makes sense but I also learned English from the TV so I don’t know if I’m actually right or not. Maybe it’d be better if I said that some people shouldn’t be allowed to use Twitter and just keep it a noun? Blah. That’s so boring. Back to my original statement it is.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to twitter.

“Who?” you ask, widening your eyes in shock at my display of sudden exclusivity. “Ania, you can’t possibly be a proponent of such elitist ideas!” Your vocabulary somehow improves tremendously. You’re welcome.

I am, though. I truly feel like some people just should not use Twitter. They’re the same kids who killed Myspace and are working on Facebook’s slow and painful death.

Here are a few guidelines as to who should not be on Twitter.

1. If you hold some sadly mistaken idea that surveys like this are fantastic and wonderful,
   

   Do you hold grudges?
   depends lawlz.

   Are you or were you a good student?
   clearly.

   Do you enjoy sleeping late?
   yes, speshally with a friend.

   Have you ever had a secret admirer?
   yep, so retarzy

   Would you rather have money or love?
   this thing is so fumb i hate it

   What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
   CRY

   Have you ever sat on a roof
   srsly?

   You should not be on Twitter.

2. If you used Facebook status updates to tell the world every single thing you did, including getting drunk and making out with your first cousin but it’s okay because first you have your cousins and then you have your first cousins and isn’t that how it goes? , and now believe that Twitter is the same thing, only condensed in to 140 characters, you should not be on Twitter.
3. If you firmly believe that all of the celebrities on Twitter will reply if you send them a trillion messages about how fabulous they are, or if you tell them something like “I bet you wish you were me so you could chill at home while I wish I were you so I could go be famous” and truly believe that the celebrity you’re talking to actually really wants to sit at home on their broke ass instead of spending the national deficit on a pair of shoes, you should not be on Twitter.
4. If you’re a celebrity who spends all of your time showing how much better you have it than the rest of us. I’m talking to you, Paris Hilton. Thanks for all the pictures of you on your tropical vacation as the economy goes to hell. I fucking cried my eyes out when the paparazzi found out where you were staying because you posted a picture with a towel that had the hotel’s name on it. If you have nothing substantial or remotely interesting to write about, you should not be on Twitter.
5. If you think that having a “feud” with Perez Hilton is fabulous because you may be a bit of a washed up has-been who used to be skinny but got fat, you should not be on Twitter. For that matter though, Perez, if you’re going to spend all your time bitching about Miss California instead of posting deliciously insipid details of retarded celebrity lifestyles, you should not be on Twitter.

If, however, you’re someone like John Mayer and write something like this, I vote you keep on making Twitter interesting. He’s probably the only celebrity Twitter out there that doesn’t make me want to burn all evidence of their existence. Or you can be like the Bloggess, who kicks serious ass, or the Pioneer Woman who makes me wish I liked cooking and had her photography skills. Or you can be really cool and follow Tremendous News, who are hysterical and responsible for random bursts of laughter during class that result in the professor pondering the best method to kill me and not get caught. If I’m dead, it’s because of this guy.