Harry Potter and the Beatdown of Edward Cullen

See I was going to start this post with the whole “Hi I’m Ania and I’m a…” thing but then I realized that it’s a tad bit cliched and that I couldn’t do it. Instead you get an opening sentence about why the opening sentence isn’t something else.

Yeah, I wouldn’t blame you if you hit the little x in the corner and stopped reading this. But DON’T because I have a nice lovely post about Harry Potter all typed up for you to read. And I know you want to read about Harry Potter. I totally saw him naked. Along with a few hundred other people, sure, but shhh. Let me bask in my pretend awesomeness.

Anyway, since Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is coming out in theaters this summer, I’ve begun re-reading my HP books. Yes, I am that nerdy. What can I say? I love me some magic. While re-reading them, I’ve been thinking about why Harry Potter is so fabulous. That got me thinking about Twilight. Somehow, I can’t stop comparing the two

Who would win?

Harry Potter. That’s who.

Let me count the ways that Harry Potter kicks Edward Cullen’s pasty creepy ass.

1. JK Rowling can write. I mean really. The woman has mad talent. If I could write like that, I’d make up a whole magical world with good and evil and trolls and werewolves and make trillions of dollars. Oh wait. She already has. Anyway, have you ever stopped to appreciate the pure genius of her writing? It’s fascinating. It has such appeal. There’s so much symbolism. Not a single word is put on the page without some thought behind it. It’s unbelievable. And then compare that to Stephenie Meyers. Half the time I feel like she pulled out a thesaurus while writing so she could sound smarter. And the symbolism/foreshadowing is all upfront. I’m sorry, I’d rather not have someone point stuff out to me like I’m an idiot.
2. Harry Potter is normal. Okay, he has some issues but no where does he dazzle anyone a la Edward Cullen. Girls have crushes on him but he doesn’t freak out over it (much) and just keeps hanging out with the same people. He also has normal features. He’s not crazy hot nor does he look like a Greek God *cough*Edward Cullen*cough*. He doesn’t stalk people. Sure, he gets in to some sticky situations but he’s trying to save the whole wizarding world, dammit. You try being fourteen, fighting dragons and merpeople, and having to drag Robert Pattinson’s dead body through a portal. You’d be an occasional ass  too. And the best thing? JK Rowling lets him get called out on it. Being a jerk to Ron? You can sure as shooting bet that Hermione will let him know. When Harry and Ginny start dating, it’s cute and funny. There are no tributes to the beauty that is Harry. No where do we have to hear about him sparkling. He’s just an average guy put in to some extraordinary situations.
3. Harry isn’t a creeper. To demonstrate the complete difference between Harry Potter and Edward Cullen, let’s look at this handy-dandy quiz I’ve created. (Clearly I have far too much time on my hands. Don’t worry, I start work on Monday!)
   

   Question #1. It’s the first day of school and you see a beautiful new girl. Do you:
   a.) Run screaming out of the room because her blood, it smells so good.
   b.) Smile at her.

   Question #2. New Girl seems interested in you. Do you:
   a.) Sit around and thinking about how you’re so unworthy of her love and angst about how you’d really love for her to love you but you can’t figure out how she feels because you can’t read her mind.
   b.) Talk to her.

   Question #3. You and New Girl have established a connection. She asks you about your plans for that night. They are:
   a.) Sitting in her bedroom while she sleeps, watching her breath in and out and hoping that she’ll call you name out passionately.
   b.) Asking her out to the Yule Ball.

   Question #4. Congratulations! You and New Girl are going on a date. But uh oh… it’s not going so well. What’s the problem?
   a.) Some vampires are craving that sweet, sweet blood of hers. Gotta save her life, you know. Where would she be without your sparkly strong arms?
   b.) She’s crying because her ex-boyfriend died a few months ago and you were the last person there with him and brought his body back. She’s also confused because she can’t decide if she’s betraying him by dating you. Especially because that guy later goes on to be a vampire and those folks never die and he totally knows where she lives.

   Question #5. So the date bombed. Time to move on, right?
   a.) No. You and New Girl are meant to be in love and become the symbols of “true luv” for all the little teenage girls running around out there.
   b.) Yep. It’s on to your best friend’s little sister but it’s okay because you totally got permission.

   If you answered all A’s, you are Edward Cullen, creeper extraordinaire. I may have to permanently block you from my site. Oh shit… is that you standing there in my corner? I’m sorry, Ed. I really didn’t mean it. You can keep looking smug and stuff.

   If you answered all B’s, you’re Harry Potter and comparatively normal. Good job.

4. Everything has a purpose, even names. Remember back in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Or Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone for all the people that weren’t deemed too stupid to understand what a philosopher is. I mean, really? Americans couldn’t read the same version? Do they think we’re that retarded? I blame all the celebutards out there) Harry Potter met a goblin called Griphook at Gringotts? Well that same goblin pops up in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And not because JK Rowling ran out of names. Trust these people. JK Rowling has a ton of names and each one has a meaning behind it. Don’t believe me? Check out Fenrir Greyback, Albus Dumbledore, and Sirius Black.
5. It’s not an elaborate sex dream. Yep, I went there. Doesn’t almost everyone know that Stephenie Meyers wrote the whole series based on a dream she had of some gorgeous guy and gal standing in a field? She was horny. Twilight began. JK Rowling, on the other hand, has this whole rags to riches story that’s mostly bullshit but forgivable because she gave us Harry Potter, which meant Daniel Radcliffe became famous and I got to see him naked in Equus and it was both awkward and awesome mixed in to one fantastic night. And in Harry Potter I never have to get creeped out by a middle-aged woman writing about a 109 year old dead guy and 19 year old breaking beds and houses (how rough is it?!?) while getting it on.

Thus, Harry Potter > Edward Cullen. Besides, Daniel Radcliffe can act. Wish I could say the same for Robert Pattinson.