I go to a really nice gym. I’m talking people flying in to South Carolina for the sole purpose of checking out my gym. It’s that nice. It’s got all these nifty features like TVs on every single machine and programmed weightlifting machines and more stuff I have no idea about because I only use like ten machines because the rest of them are big scary looking things that really tall men in cut-off t-shirts who could probably take on Superman use. Coward, party of one over here please.
This is my favorite machine.
(From here.)
It’s called the AMT 100i, which sounds like a gungho robot. I was going to suggest calling it Bob but then I realized I’d be typing sentences like “Bob whups my ass” and that just feels wrong so I’ll just stick to calling it the AMT 100i. This machine is my new best friend. Why? Because in one hour of not-that-painful use, you can burn 569 calories. That is not an exaggeration. That’s how much I burned today on ONE machine in ONE hour. While watching “Full House” and Comedy Central.
Aside from amazing machines, my gym also lets me do some people-watching, which is probably the nice way of saying I am way too observant for anyone’s good and I totally saw you, yes you old grandpa aged man in the gray sweatpants, check out that blonde seventeen year old and it was gross. But aside from the creepy stares, I see all these people I kinda sorta know. I’ve probably rung them up at the Store a few times or went to school with them in the 4th grade. Or some people that I know and I have no idea how I know.
One of the people I know but I don’t know was this guy in a white t-shirt. I recognized him but I had no clue what his name was or where I knew him from. After a few glances, I gave up on trying to place him and went back to running while watching “Gilmore Girls”. In fact, I totally forgot about him until I got home and noticed I had a new friend request on Facebook. I looked at the name and had no idea who it was so I decided to check out his profile before adding him.
It was Gym Boy. And I have no idea how the hell he knew my name because I don’t even know where I know him from. We never went to the same school. He’s not a frequent shopper at the Store and our mutual friends don’t involve people I hang out with often. So how did he know my name? And now that I see him at the gym, am I supposed to actually talk to him? Because even though we’re now friends on Facebook, I have no idea who he is. And I hate talking to people at the gym. I don’t want to talk to anyone when I’m all sweaty from running up and down and having my ass whupped by the AMT 100i (not Bob, because that would be creepy).
And no, I’m not crushing on him too. According to Facebook, he has a girlfriend who I also don’t know. So thank you, Facebook, for complicating my life by making me add this guy who I know but I don’t know and force me in to a corner because if I didn’t add him it’d be just as awkward because I’d see him at the gym and he’d think “There goes that bitch who wouldn’t add me on Facebook. She sucks. She keeps tripping over invisible stuff. What a loser” and then my self-esteem would plummet because even though he wouldn’t ever mention it I’d totally know he was thinking mean things about me.
Also, it’d be quite true because I really do keep falling over invisible things. Or dropping my iPod. Or getting tangled in the cords. Or having to change the weights because I over-estimate my strength. Or changing the weights because I under-estimate my strength. Or spilling water all over my shirt. Or accidentally falling off the machine and unplugging three cables.
Maybe I shouldn’t go to the gym after all.
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