A Pretend Interview With the Cast of Twilight Using Fake Telepathy (Or Why I Haven’t Cleaned My Bathroom Yet)

At this very moment, I should be cleaning my bathroom. Thus, if anyone asks, I totally am. And I would be, if not for having watched this interview with the cast of Twilight.

But it’s not like I really even concentrated on what they were saying. Instead, I imagined what they were thinking.

Taylor Lautner: I am so the better looking one. I look so dark and brooding. Girls dig that, don’t they? Robert’s still all scary and pale even though we’ve been done filming New Moon for ages. Seriously dude, the sun is nice.

Ashley Greene: I’m just going to sit here smiling, even though the interviewer didn’t bother to ask me ONE question. Even Taylor got a question. Why am I even here? Whatever. Just keep smiling.

Kristen Stewart: I wonder if my hair is starting to look like Robert’s. I’ve been doing his whole “don’t really see the point in washing your hair” thing and I’ve got to say, I’m feeling like I’ve got this hair thing down.

Robert Pattinson: I really like plaid shirts. A lot. I mean my whole wardrobe could consist of only plaid shirts and I’d be set. Also, did you notice I bothered to bathe today? My hair is shiny. I don’t have a scraggly beard. I may have rolled out of bed and grabbed a shirt off the floor but at least I don’t look like a homeless man today. I hope these fans understand the trouble I go through for them. Putting on a new shirt ever day. Talk about challenges.

Taylor Lautner: Plaid looks good on me. Shoot, everything looks good on me. I’ve spent so much time at the gym that I’m just ridiculously built. I can’t wait for these girls to stop freaking out over Robert and realize the gorgeousness that is me. I’m TAN for God’s sake. And I’m not the one who breaks in to a girl’s bedroom to watch her sleep. Not pointing any fingers there, of course. Nope. No siree.

Ashley Greene: No one even bothered to tell me that we were going to dress like homeless people today. Taylor got the memo. He’s in plaid. Kristen has a mop on her head. Robert has his stupid plaid shirt on. And I’m sitting here in this hot pink dress. At least I look good.

Kristen Stewart: No seriously. Does my hair look like Rob’s? Because everyone is saying we’re dating but we’re really not. I wish we were though. That’s why I’m dressing so much like him. He’ll figure out we’re meant to be. I mean, I’m Bella for Christ’s sake. Bella.

Robert Pattinson: I’d really like for Kristen to stop staring at me. She’s not helping stop the bloody romance rumors. And I just had to get a jab in there about Edward Cullen being a total idiot because he is. God, sometimes I wish I had never gotten this role. Now I have these stupid girls throwing themselves at me and people actually care if I bathe or not. Like it’s any of their business. Jesus. And now Kristen has started taking my bathing advice and there’s only room for one unwashed soul in Twilight. We can’t both be running around, not bathing. Then people will say we’re not bathing together and it’ll just get worse and worse. God, these lights are bright. I hate bright light. I’m pale for a reason, dammit.