How To Keep People From Sitting By You On The Bus. Or How To Be A Complete Bitch To Strangers Without Saying A Word

So a few days ago I shared that fascinating conversation I creeped on overheard on the Bolt Bus. I mentioned that I am pretty skilled at the “don’t you even think about sitting with me” look. And I totally am. I’ve got skills, ya’ll. When Creepy Butt Man sat next to me, it was because he was literally the last person to get on the bus and every other seat was taken. And the bus driver came and apologized to me. I didn’t even think I gave off that mean of a vibe so I toned it down on the way home but still. The bus driver apologized to me because I had to sit with someone. That takes some skill.

Thus, I’ve decided to share my talent with the Interweb. Only it’s not really a talent but a few things you should just do to try and avoid people sitting by you, if you’re a horrible person like me.

1. Be one of the first people on the bus. Yes, stating the obvious here but the best way to get a seat alone is to hop on and be the first person on. That way you can take the window seat in the middle of the bus that doesn’t have a huge line going down the middle.
2. The minute you sit down, plug in your computer and put on your headphones. Even if you have nothing to do on it, turn it on. This way you seem busy and less likely to be interrupted because the other people getting on the bus? They’re nice. They don’t want to bug you. See, they care about their fellow human beings. Unlike you and me.
3. Do not make eye contact. Now this is a big one. If you look up and make eye contact with someone, they will wrongfully deduce that you are a nice person and someone to sit by. Don’t look up. Stare at your laptop. Be antisocial.
4. Put something (preferably big) on the seat beside you. Again, this takes in to consideration that most people aren’t horrible. No one wants to ask you to move.
5. Enjoy the emptiness and spread out.

Okay, let’s say you do all that and you fail because the bus is completely packed, this part is very important. DO NOT BE A BITCH TO THE PERSON BESIDE YOU. They don’t want to sit by you either. Move your stuff nicely, make awkward chitchat for about five seconds (unless you get the Creepy Butt Man or the shorthaired Pixie Chick that sat beside me on the way back to NYC), and then go back to being antisocial. But hopefully you’ll be able sit alone on the ride to wherever you’re going.

Oh but if a hot guy gets on the bus? Totally ignore everything I said to you and cross your fingers he’ll sit by you. Seriously. Do the hair flippy thing. Catch his eye. Sit by him. And then tell me about it. Because I need to live vicariously through someone.