I Don’t Do Decoration

Have you ever felt like a sculpture? Or a painting? Or just some nice cushions? Like the kind you buy to really accent a room (whatever the hell that means). I have.

At the beginning of the year, I went to a “fashion show” at the Trump Towers. One of the Trump Towers. Turns out there’s a lot. I put fashion show in quotes because the entire show was basically fifteen looks on three girls. It was just weird.

Anyway, a whole bunch of girls from my school ended up going. We were excited. Interaction with boys? Be still our collective beating hearts. We dressed up in our classiest but cutest outfits and wore our highest heels. The girls that I went with understood the rules. Classy. Not slutty.

We took a cab and got drenched because our cabbie refused to let us out on the Towers’ side of the road and it was raining. Inside was a mixture of people and vintage Chanel bags that made me question how long 5 years of jail time really was. There was a single curved stairwell down which the models would later descend. It didn’t really matter though. We weren’t actually there for the show.

We were there to be accent pillows. We were decoration, a nice work of art. A gaggle of twenty young pretty girls to show off. Classy. Not slutty. We were the statues.

I walked away that night feeling strange. I had been used in such a particular way. Never expected to really feel like that again except it happened yesterday. Completely different situation, same outcome.

I was used.

Yesterday I was a bargaining chip. I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was thrown into a situation where I had no business being.

Today I was thrown under a bus because of it. I felt guilty for things I had nothing to feel guilty about. I apologized a million times over something I hadn’t done. I worried and stressed and lost sleep over it. Needlessly, now, because the situation has resolved itself and proven once again that I was used.

I was that pretty little accent pillow used to spice up a room. I had a purpose, I served it, and everyone ended up feeling good about themselves except for me. I get to sit here and think about how shitty I feel. How horrible of a way it was to be treated. I get to contemplate the feelings of a bargaining chip. How being a pawn in a wicked game of chess is really like. Thanks so much for these feelings, friend. I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy your newfound joy. Because it came at the expense of a large portion of my trust.