Peppered Hearts

Source

I am the absolute queen of unspoken ultimatums. I will decide on something and you are so screwed if you have no clue it’s going on. And nine times out of ten you won’t have any idea because I haven’t bothered to tell you.

I don’t tell my ultimatums. Not because I’m lazy, which I am but not so lazy that I can’t tell a single person something, but because I change my mind too much. I don’t want to share my ultimatum because chances are I’ll change it. So it’s not even technically an ultimatum. It’s more like a suggestion that never really gets suggested. Whoops.

I give them most frequently to the various guys I meet. They just don’t know about them.

One is that you have one week to contact me after our initial meeting. Yeah, I know all about the three-day rule but I understand shit happens. If, however, said boy fails to text/call/carrier pigeon me, his number gets deleted. I don’t like temptations. If I have your number and I don’t plan on using it, goodbye sweetie pie.

But you know what else I’m really really good at? Making excuses for people. I mean I’m awesome at making up excuses for people as to why he (let’s be honest here and not even pretend we’re not talking about a guy) failed to contact me.

Here are some of the excuses I will think up for you, if you somehow don’t talk to me:

1. He does have a life. He could be off teaching poor kids how to read. Or sky-diving in Zimbabwe. Or swimming in Hawaii.
2. He’s sick. Like deathly ill. Can’t even move his hand to lift the phone up a little. And forget pressing buttons. That’d be much too strenuous for his sickly limbs. The boy’s dying and I’m bitching about his failure to text? Wow. Way to suck, me.
3. Work. Just because I have my winter break completely off doesn’t mean everyone does. He’s out there working his ass off and I’m sitting on mine and I expect him to take time out of his busy, busy day to say hi?
4. He lives in the middle of nowhere and has zero cell service. Maybe his family is secretly Amish and he’s protesting the way his family lives by going to school in NYC but when he’s home he can’t be as open about it. He has to climb out the third floor window, hop onto a tree branch, and shimmy down the barn’s walls to even get out of the house without his strict maternal grandmother knowing. We haven’t even gotten to the part about how he has to go past the cow pond and walk through four miles of thick snow to get to a place that has even a modicum of cellphone connectivity. And he has to go uphill. Both ways.
5. He has a wife, four kids, and a dog named Sophie. Sure, he’s only in his early early twenties but some people start young. He’s at home and his wife and kids are nagging and Jesus Christ, can someone please let the dog out? Dammit he works all day and he comes home to crying kids and he told you to take the damn dog out, Billy! There’s no food on the table and the youngest has a dirty diaper and the bills need to be paid and his wife thinks she’s pregnant with number five because he’s Amish after all and I’m assuming they don’t believe in birth control.
6. His cellphone doesn’t work. He got it wet while snorkeling off the coast of Jamaica and he can’t get a replacement phone because, hello, he’s in Jamaica and do you know how much it costs to get a package delivered to there? I don’t but I’m sure it’s like ridiculously expensive. And if he did try to get in touch he’d have to pay massive international fees because he’d be roaming like no other.

See? Don’t bother contacting me and I’ll have a bunch of excuses for you at the ready. All you’ve got to do is pick and choose. I’m going with the Amish theory right now. Because you know those Amish people get really spotty cellphone service.