Wanderlust

You know that feeling where you can’t sit still and staring at the same four walls makes you want to go insane and jump up and down and you just need to move? When just a few minutes ago you were sitting quite happily, looking at something online, and then suddenly it happened. It’s come. That feeling. You can’t sit in the room anymore. Everything about your safe little room seems loud and small and overcrowded even though you’re completely alone in the room. And even though you feel like your room is small and your head is loud, the door seems so far away and going outside would be an escape but it’s snowing and dark and probably not the best idea. When all you want to do is run outside and just go. If you had a car you’d just drive and drive and drive. If I were home I’d drive to that perfect stretch of road that only locals know. That one behind the rink where it curves and suddenly you’re not in the middle of the town but in a forest and you can just put your foot down. But I’m stuck in my room in a snowstorm and my brightly colored scarves are annoying me and my room smells like food and suddenly I just really want a new bunch of flowers but the store is probably closed.

The feeling where everything is closing in. Not that anything happened today. But because it’s been a long month and it’s just overwhelming and the feeling comes from out of no where. If it were warmer, walking would be possible. A trip to Times Square to sit among the tourists and remember how lucky lucky lucky I am. But it’s snowing and the sidewalk is slushy. It’s dark and my phone is buzzing and everything is just driving me mad.

Wanderlust.

It hits me when it’s the most inconvenient. When snow is falling and it’s dark out and there’s no one to come with me. It overwhelms me and I sit here and try to wait it out but it won’t go away until my head feels like it’s going to explode. I need to move and scream and run but I can’t because I’m stuck here. What a convenient place to be stuck.

So I’ll sit here and wait. I’ll wait till my head stops feeling smaller and smaller. I’ll wait till Spring comes. I’ll wait for flowers. I’ll wait for everything to settle down. I’ll wait.